Green Flags in a Dominant Man

• He respects small boundaries. You never have to reiterate your small noes because he heard you the first time. I have a friend who ends his messages, “I know you’re busy, so respond in your own time or not at all.” That’s not a green flag. It’s a gold one. I’m sticking with people who care about my time and comfort as much as I do theirs.

• He’s taken the time to learn how to practice his kinks safely. I have a friend who studied rope for 20 years, and he’s still learning from mentors. I’d sooner play with him than the dude who caned his pillow this one time and thus knows everything.

• He validates your kink fears and responds to even the smallest discomfort. There are men who dig for opportunities to get what they want, and there are men who care what you need. The latter aren’t satisfied with a mere “yes” if you clearly feel unsafe. They’re not practising consent based on technicalities, but authentic needs and feelings.

• He asks about aftercare before you play. I know all the “I Don’t Do Aftercare” people are going to complain about this point, but I can’t help them as I don’t do aftercare.

• He calls the morning after your first play or a tough scene to make sure you’re okay. Bonus points if he checks in on your injuries.

• He needs to call after a first play because he goes home at night like a good boy. What do you mean this point isn’t objective and universally relevant? Of course it is. Beds are for Reds only. Yes, even your bed.

• He loves dogs. This point is also completely objective and universally relevant. If he likes cats, he’s clearly a serial killer.

• He has a working knowledge of the risks of his kinks. He also knows how to mitigate them. Risk awareness without risk mitigation is like water without a glass. That puddle sure looks wet, but it’s not going to cure your thirst.

• He plays an active role in your contraception choices. He doesn’t expect you to “just handle it” The way he manages this issue is a fair sign of how he’ll manage your health when scenes go wrong.

• He keeps pace with the frequency of your communications rather than pressuring you to offer more than you have to give. This is a man who heeds “no.”

• He creates a dynamic with you. He doesn’t thrust one upon you unilaterally.